~Chapter Eleven~
EPOV
“Do your balls hang low.... do
they jiggle to and fro... can you tie them in a knot.... can you tie them in a
bow...”
Whiskey makes me frisky, rum
makes me come and tequila makes me fucked... and not in the usual way.
In fact, I was beyond
fucked and when I get my head out of my ass, I'll fill you in....
“... Can you throw them over
your shoulder like a regimental soldier.....”
I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your
lies
You're so self-satisfied I
don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to
break free
“He shoots… he scores!” I
shouted loudly, a small bottle, well, head, of vodka in one hand as I threw yet
another offending pink piece of shit in the trash can.
I've fallen in love
I've fallen in love for the
first time
And this time I know it's for
real
I've fallen in love yeah
God knows God knows I've
fallen in love
I was in MY bedroom,
clearing out HER shit and I was fucking LOVING it.
No more pink. No more frilly
shit and most of all, no more Maggie.
I could do what the fuck I liked
from now on, and later, when I was sober enough, I was going to leave the
toilet seat up, the lid of my new tube of toothpaste off and then I was going
to shave over the sink and not rinse it out.
Because I could.
It's strange but it's true
I can't get over the way you
love me like you do
But I have to be sure
When I walk out that door
Oh how I want to be free baby
Oh how I want to be free
Oh how I want to break free
She didn’t come home last night
and I was beyond fucking thankful for that, because I had no idea what to say
to her anyway.
I’ll be honest, after the Carlton
Banks look-a-like had whisked her away, I didn’t know how to feel.
One minute I was sitting at the
kitchen table, just sulking, drumming my fingers and waiting for her to come
home, and the next minute I was in my room clearing out her shit.
Why was I sulking?
Because she had finally seen me
for what I was and now that I was ready for a fight...she didn’t come home.
It’s not like I wanted a
fight with her, there was no reason for one really, but at least we could
actually hash things out and we could split ways amicably.
But no, she didn’t turn up which
meant that I couldn’t go and see Edward and finally sort things out with
him.
So now I was merrily drinking
while discarding Maggie, Snuffy as Edward called her, from my life in a way
that I saw fit because she couldn’t be assed to come home and
clear her shit out on her own.
When the phone started to ring, I
couldn’t be assed to answer it, but when the voice kicked in on the answering
machine, I wished that I’d picked up.
“…Hey baby boy, just a quick
reminder to let you know that dinner is still on for tonight with your future
in-laws…”
Click.
“Ah hell,” I groaned as I
remembered that Maggie and I were supposed to be having dinner with both sets
of parents tonight.
How the fuck was I supposed to
get out of that?
I finished off the vodka as I
made my way to the kitchen again.
I needed to get sober.
As much as I would have loved to
be drunk while I got through tonight, I would never live it down.
EPOV
I was waiting for someone to come
and tell me when this situation had turned from a little bit of fun into a
situation where my heart was on the line.
Anyone?
No one?
Nope?
Just me then.
“Lonely I'm so lonely… I have
nobody… To call my own… I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely… I have nobody… To call
my own… I'm so lonely…”
JPOV
There’s no place like home,
there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home...
No matter how much I wished,
wanted or thought it, there was no way I could escape sitting at this meal
table with these people.
“Jasper, dear, how’s the last
month gone? I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages,” Mom asked as she passed me
a platter of cut meat.
…Well, I met a man who has
turned my world upside down, I have been sexually turned on beyond anything in
my life, fucked myself in a car and then gave a blow job to the man I really
don’t know much about, but am head over heels for and to top it all off, we
found Maggie collapsed on a sex toy in said man’s sex shop and she ran off with
a Carlton Banks look-a-like...
“Busy, but good,” I mumbled as I
saw Maggie throw me daggers from the corner of my eyes.
I finally made it to my parent’s
house in enough time to pull Maggie to one side.
We didn’t have a heated discussion
about anything, but she made it pretty damn clear that she wasn’t happy.
No shit!
Like I expected anything else from
her.
“So, Jasper, Maggie says that
you’ve been too preoccupied to really make any headway on the wedding plans,
you know that this is an important thing, don't you?” Her mom, aka Sprocket
from Fraggle Rock, asked sweetly, with an undercurrent of bitchy thrown in.
Don’t ask me why I call her
Sprocket, the name just stuck. Might be because she’s got all that facial hair
that she refuses to do anything about.
Oh, and she certainly acts like a big stupid dog, always pushing her
nose into your business and sniffing at your junk.
Can’t be as bad as her dad. I call
him Beaker, you know, the pink squeaky thing from the Muppets.
The name really suits him,
trust me, since he looks like a lab rat reject with his beady little eyes that
always dart around nervously and he rarely actually says anything.
“Mommy, I asked you to, like, not
bring that up,” Maggie sniffled and I rolled my eyes.
What Maggie wanted, Maggie got.
Except me.
She wouldn’t be getting me from
now on.
“But we need to set a date,
arrange for a wedding planner, get out notices in the papers. It won’t do it
all by itself,” Sprocket all but hissed as I picked up my wine glass and downed
the contents in one huge gulp.
I hated wine, but if it got this
afternoon over with quicker and made everything a little fuzzy around the
edges, I was up for it.
One glass down and I wasn’t even
feeling a little bit buzzed, so I necked another one....
And another one...
Three down and it was starting to
have an effect, thank God.
“I think you should go for pink
roses for the flowers...”
Oh hell no...
I sent off a text to Edward’s
phone with a plea to save me.
Then I remembered that he didn’t
know where the hell I was.
Fourth glass down.
“Maggie, it is
a woman's duty to please her man...”
God, if you love me, let me
die...
Fifth glass down.
“Jasper, what do you see yourself
doing for your stag night? Do you have many male friends?” Beaker squeaked.
Sixth glass gone as I pictured a
group of horny deer.
“I wood like... to prop...pose a
toast... to my prostate, iss always bean dere for meee, given me los of
fun times and I woold,” I had to smack my lips as they were sticking, “like to
invite him onna night out!” I blurted out as I stood up with my seventh glass
in my hand.
I wobbled a little, but kept
upright, which I suppose was a good thing.
In theory.
“Jasper, sit down,” Maggie hissed,
but I didn’t care.
I had dutch courage.
Kinda.
“Snnuffee,” I pointed at her, hiccuped
and kept on, “quit tellin’ ME wha’ to do, I’m a grooown man and if I can wip my
own ass,” I thumped my open palm against my chest, “I don’t need YOU tellin’ me
what to do. Now, mom, dad, I’m gay, that’s right, I... like... dick!” I burped
and then giggled at their buggy eyes, “I am not gonna be getting marry-ed to someone who has an
Ama...amazz...amazooon. By the way, an ama...ammaz...THAT, mom, is something COMPLETELY
different to a Brazilian.”
Edward’s cock, now that’s what
I wanted.
“OOOOOHHH, yer schex isss on FIRE!!!!!” I belted out loudly as I thought of his
flaming inked cock.
“JASPER!” I vaguely heard
mom cry and I finally felt the full weight of the wine and my body collapsed to
the floor.
EPOV
A chime from somewhere in my
pocket woke me up.
I was currently still drunk, my
head was still firmly lodged up my ass and the text puzzled me.
Was I drunk, had I had so much to
drink that I’d blinded myself?
I squinted hard, even turned my
phone upside, but it still didn’t make any sense.
RbtD eMee
“What the fuck?” I groaned and
then noticed it was from Jasper. My heart started racing knowing he had tried
to contact me. Of course, that led to
the throbbing in my head becoming even worse.
I stared at the screen trying to
make sense of the letters as my hand dropped to my lap to scratch my junk, the
itch satisfied, I just left my hand there.
What? It was my security blanket.
Was he sending me code? Or, shit, had he gotten drunk too? If he had, it had to be bad.
I started to get up, ready to rush
to his rescue. When the room swirled, I
promptly fell back into my seat and realization dawned...I had no fucking clue
where he lived.
I shoved my hand into my pants to
grip my blanket tighter as I tried to sort out what I could do.
Damn tequila...devil’s juice, I
tell ya.
Still staring at the phone, my
thumb started running over the screen absentmindedly, and at some point I must
have rubbed harder than I thought because I realized it was dialing.
Brilliant! Call him!
Why didn’t I think of that?
As I listened to the rings,
excitement at hearing his soft voice coursed through me and my blankie swelled
slightly in my hand. I gave it an
understanding squeeze or two, as I waited for him to pick up.
My dick, that had actually managed
to almost achieve a full erection, began deflating with each ring that went
unanswered.
Come on, come on, pick up...
“You’ve reached Jasper’s
phone...sorry I missed your call...leave a message if you want and I’ll call
you back...if I want. *chuckling* “
And then there it was, the dreaded beep.
But his voice had sounded so good,
so happy. How did I know that wasn’t
really the case?
My lips moved, “Call me...please,”
coming out as a croak before I disconnected the call.
I eyed the bottle of tequila
sitting on my desk. I glanced around for
my glass and didn’t find one. Guess I
had been taking it from the source then.
I grabbed the bottle, noting how it felt somewhat familiar in my hand.
Taking a good look at it, I
started barking out laughter. Damn thing
looked like a nice thick cock. I brought
it to my lips after tugging off the top and tilted it back...it was empty.
Story of my life, I
thought, a sea of cocks everywhere, but not a drop to suck.
~Chapter Twelve~
JPOV
I was
cold.
Why
the hell was I cold?
“Oh!”
Ow.
I was
hugging the toilet, literally.
And I
had the hangover from hell.
I’m
being deadly serious, I felt as if I made one false move, my head would either
explode or just roll off my neck and across the floor.
Slow and steady wins the race I thought as I very carefully, and extremely slowly, lifted
my body up into a crawling position and moved away from the toilet, keeping my
head down the whole time.
This is when I should have reminded my body that I wasn’t a
teenager at college anymore.
Or maybe I should have reminded it last night before all that
wine.
Last night.
“Oh shit,” I mumbled with a low groan at the end as I thought
about dinner.
Looking at the floor tiles in the bathroom, I noted that I
was at my parent’s house.
“I wood like... to prop...pose a toast... to my
prostate, iss always bean dere for meee, given me los of fun times and I woold
like to invite him onna night out!”
“So not good,” I whispered,
screwing my eyes shut. “Dammit!” I hissed as my head connected to the bathroom
door.
On the plus side, at least my
parents didn’t hate me enough to throw me out last night.
“Son, what are you doing?” Dad
squeaked as I reached the top of the stairs.
“I’m debating if it’s safe
enough for me to try and stand up or whether I should just risk going down on
my front and hope for the best. Either way it’s going to be painful,” I moaned.
“How about you just stay there
and I’ll go get you something for the headache?” he asked softly and I really
wasn’t expecting it. I had made a show of both myself and my family last night,
in front of my fiancee and her family.
“Thanks,” I whimpered as he
patted me hard on the back.
God knows how long later, dad
shoved a glass of water under my nose and held his hand out with a couple of
pills in his palm.
“Thanks,” I said quietly as I
took them and gulped them down.
“Son, do you remember much of
last night?” he asked in a hushed tone as he sat next to me on the top step.
“Shockingly, everything, I
think,” I winced.
“Why didn’t you tell us? We
wouldn’t have had a problem with it.”
“Well, you know mom,
obviously, you married her and all, I just didn’t think she of all people would
understand,” I muttered with a pathetic shrug.
“We just want you to be happy,
I have no problem with gay people and I find anal penetration quite enjoyable
sometimes,” he mused with a wistful smile, suddenly reminding me of Walter from
that Dunham guy’s act, and I felt the contents of my stomach churn and move
towards my throat.
An hour after dad’s strange
and quite nauseating revelation, I was slumped into a chair at the kitchen
table while mom was cooking breakfast for us. Well, you could hardly call it
breakfast as it was after one in the afternoon, but hey ho.
“What has annoyed me the most
is that you couldn’t trust us to know, Jasper Marion Whitlock,” she huffed as
she placed a large plate in front of me.
I felt shame wash over me.
For two reasons.
I had upset her, obviously.
And two, she called me out on
my full name and I hated the fucking name.
Marion?
Really?
Why couldn’t they have given
me something cool, like Monroe?
A woman with bottle bleached
hair sprang to mind and I shuddered.
Maybe not Monroe.
Maxwell? That was a strong name. A man’s name.
But Marion?
I felt like I should have worn
pigtails as a kid and skipped around the yard hosting fucking tea parties or
have long wavy hair and be dressed in pink as I fluttered my eyelashes. Hmmm, on second thought, considering how I
turned out, maybe Marion isn’t so bad.
That thought took me to another one, and some more
recollections came crashing down on me.
Somewhere between declaring my
sexuality and waking up with the toilet, I’d told Maggie I’d thrown her shit
out and she’d informed me that she’d fucked Eric...and we were through.
Halle-fucking-lujah.
Suddenly I felt ten times better and inhaled my
food, ready to hug mom and bolt. I had something I couldn’t wait any longer to
do.
EPOV
“Right, Eddie boy, time to haul ass. I don’t
know what the hell you’re up to, but you’re not hiding out here anymore.”
Emmett’s voice boomed through the shop as I woke up on the desk. “And get that
post-it note off the side of your face,” he chuckled as his body filled my
office doorway.
“Em-, Emmett, just leave me be,” I croaked out.
Damn, my voice sounded like Barry White and my
mouth felt like it was the bottom of a bird cage.
“I don’t want to know exactly what you’ve been
up to, but if you miss Sunday dinner today, mom is gonna come down on you like
a ton of bricks and kick your ass to God knows where,” my delinquent brother
boomed from the doorway.
“Go away,” I moaned lightly. If I said it any
louder, my brain would have packed its bags and left my head.
Hangover from hell.
“When was the last time you shaved, or showered
for that matter?” he asked as he came over to me and hauled my body out of the
chair.
“Easy, easy!” I pleaded, digging my heels in as
I gripped at the air for balance.
“Nope, gotta get you out of this funk. Don’t
make me recruit Alice into this as well,” he threatened and I immediately quit
fighting him at the mention of our four foot spawn of hell sister. “Damn bro, you stink,” he said honestly as he
walked my body towards the door.
“Shower, food and some clean clothes can do
wonders you know. What is it, sex problems, money?” he asked as he propped me
up against the wall outside, set the alarm and locked the door.
“Sex, well, not sex, a man,” I mumbled quietly
as I thought of Jasper.
Where the fuck was he?
Did he stay with her?
Would he forget me?
And why the hell was I bothered by all of this?
I needed a drink….
“Wake up, Edward, can’t go to sleep up against
a wall!” Em laughed as he tugged on my arm and led me to his car.
How the fuck he ever managed to get inside a
Porsche, I’d never know, but he wanted a sexy car, so that meant he shoe-horned
himself into one.
“So explain to me the great miracle of a man
turning your world upside down,” he said as he buckled me in like a fucking
child and started to drive off.
I filled him in on all the details about me and
Jasper and he stayed silent until we reached the highway, listening. Having hit the open road, he floored the gas
pedal as a song came on the radio and before I could register what was going
on, he turned it up full blast and started singing at the top of his lungs.
My stomach was actually left on the last
intersection and my brain went into hibernation at this point.
… Except a scene or two
Erased by sweet red wine
And I see a truck stop sign ahead
So I change lanes
I need a cup of coffee
And a couple dollars change
Callin' Baton Rouge
Operator won't you put me on through
I gotta' send my love down to Baton Rouge
Hurry up won't you put her on the line
I gotta' talk to the girl just one more time
Hello Samantha dear, I hope you're feelin' fine
And it won't be long until I'm with you all the
time
But until then I'll spend my money up right
down to my last dime
Callin' Baton Rouge
“Emmett! Will you shut the fuck up! And why the
hell are you singing this piece of shit?”
“Ah hell, Edward,” he whined as I turned down
the radio. “I was trying to take your mind off of him, you know, singing about
a woman and shit,” he pouted as he took the turn into mom and dad’s drive.
“Em, I don’t need you distracting me, I don’t
need to listen to you singing and I sure as hell don’t need to listen to Garth
Brooks on a Sunday morning,” I grouched as he pulled the car to a stop.
“Just go and have a shower and be at the table
before mom hits the roof with the pair of us,” he replied stiffly.
“Why would she hit the roof with you?” I asked
as I managed to expel myself from his death trap without too much pain.
“Because Rosie still isn’t pregnant. You know
she was actually on about signing me up to classes to learn the art of making
love? She thinks I can’t perform properly and that’s why Rosie isn’t up the
duff,” he huffed loudly as he stomped towards the house and I was left dazed.
“Surely she doesn’t think that,” I muttered as
I caught up with him.
“Oh come on, Edward, with one son gay and the
other one not producing grandkids, our momma is not in the best place right now.”
He slapped me on the back as we crept through the back yard and stood outside
the back door.
“You first,” I whispered.
“Nah-ah,” he replied childishly and I rolled my
eyes.
A second later found me climbing, with a
hangover still in place, up the trellis and into our old bedroom window.
I made it in through the window peacefully, but
all my hopes of getting unnoticed by mom went back out the window as Emmett
came crashing to the floor on top of me.
“Boys! Get your backsides down here this
instant!” mom hollered from somewhere in the house.
“We weren’t even that loud!” I hissed as I
pushed him off of me.
“Whatever, go shower, I’ll go deal with her,”
he moaned.
I carried on moaning as I shuffled my feet all
the way to the bathroom.
Why hadn’t he called me back?
